When I reach back for a moment in time when I felt profoundly whole, that deep-in-my-core fullness where every part of my being was content, the image above comes to mind.
I had been floating down the Colorado River for days, away from technology, chatting into the evenings with family and friends, waking up outside, where my bones feel most at ease. We had just pulled off the river, everyone making their way into a side canyon for a midday hike, when I spotted sediment I knew I could mix into clay. I crouched close to the Earth, letting my hands work and play, and felt my mind slowly slipping into my flow. Glancing up at the last of the group disappearing behind the canyon wall, my body gave a tug, an urgent pressure to follow the crowd, to do what I was supposed to or potentially miss a life changing view. ‘Should I go catch up?’ I asked my friend Zach, who was helping me gather the sediment and bring it to the river's edge, where I could mix it with wet Earth. ‘Do what makes you happy,’ he said simply. It seems so clear from here - spending an hour with clay in my hands would fill me to my brim, of course. But it wasn’t until Zach effortlessly granted me permission to go with my heart that I could release the pressure - the insistence on doing what I thought I should, a burden I claim comes from society, but is really living in my own head.
I place extraordinary pressure on myself to feel like I have it all together. I’m a therapist, I often think, the guidance and space I hold for others should come just as easefully to myself. It does come more naturally for me, I know, and also I’m a human with tender emotions and needs and fears. I’m always granting permission for my clients and my students to show up in their imperfection, to embrace their emotions no matter how messy, to draw boundaries and let go of expectations and do what’s best for them. It’s natural for me to make space for others, but sometimes I need permission, too. So I wrote a few permission slips - little love notes to myself - reminders that I am free to do what’s best for me. I’m sharing them here in case you need them, too. We all need a little extra nudge of permission sometimes.
This time of year, and all that it encompasses, can stir up so much - family dynamics, grief, political and cultural angst. It can bring happy moments too! Long-awaited hugs, sweet traditions, laughter that makes your cheeks ache. I’m wishing us all the permission we need to follow our hearts and fill ourselves up and let go of our shoulds.
May we be gentle with ourselves and our community - always, always and especially this time of year.
It really does make a difference to shop small this season (rani’s words always hit just right).
I chose just one holiday market to join this year, and it’s a special one. I’ll be in Soho on 12/1 and 12/2 at the Little Shoppe, Big Impact Holiday Market. Friday evening is a ticketed event (with drinks! and food! and gift bags!) and Saturday is free, but RSVPs are requested. Hope to see some of you there!
GrowNYC’s compost program has been embedded into my routine for years. Sign the petition to save it from budget cuts!
Sinking deeper into Banyan Moon every night before bed and genuinly enjoying Thao Thai’s storytelling.
I’m gifting myself time to soak up art in the coming weeks. On my list is Brooklyn Museum’s Zine exhibit, the Met’s Pueblo Pottery exhibit, and upstate’s Storm King.
** I have a couple of spaces for new clients in my psychotherapy practice! You can find out more and schedule a consult here. **
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⋰ email: grace@cadywest.com