i've been lying to myself

an offering of vulnerability

I’ve been holding myself back and I think I’m going to start doing something that makes me feel vulnerable and tender and frustrated and terrified. Last week, as my oldest brother drove me to the airport after a visit in California, he dropped a little seed in my head. He buried it deep, because I haven’t been able to dig it out even though it’s making me feel all the anxious feelings I work so hard to avoid. Let me explain….

My work consists of me creating spaces for others to feel safe and encouraged when I ask them to find strength and healing in their vulnerability.
I tell them they are safe with me and they trust me to help in processing their deepest fears.
I tell them it’s okay to be uncomfortable, it’s part of the process.
I tell them to sit in those uneasy feelings, even when it feels unbearable.
I tell them to try something new and fail at it, to prove to themselves they’ll be okay.
I tell them it’s okay to be imperfect.
I tell them.

Then I witness it work (!) and I burst with delight for their courage and vulnerability and strength. And then I stop working. I curl inward and make myself small and read my novels and do my crosswords and walk my dog and mostly ignore my own uneasy feelings. I tell myself that, because I make ‘imperfect pottery’ and write my morning pages and listen to my tarot cards, I’m practicing what I preach.

Here’s the truth: I’ve been making pottery since I was 6 years old - there are pieces in my home I can’t even remember making because I was so young. I am very good at making pottery. Sure, one of the reasons I adore the medium is because there will always be something new to learn and creating pottery gives me a lot of feelings, but vulnerable and raw are not among them. I can make my art without thinking (in fact, it turns out better when I let my hands go); I can do it by feel because it’s engrained in my muscles. It is not at all vulnerable for me to make and share my pottery (though it once was). Nowadays, I don’t feel tender and nervous when I post a piece of my ‘imperfect work’ online. I am not practicing what I preach.

So now I sit here, questioning how I can bear to ask others to be tender and vulnerable in practicing imperfection, to open up through fear and discomfort as a way to heal and grow - and then not offer the same grace to myself.

I’m making a vow to begin showing my tender rawness. For years, I have wanted to weave the themes of my work and life together in the form of little videos, tiny digital visual moving art, just for fun. Whenever I’ve thought just a little too long about it, I find a reason to stall. Blocked by one thing or another - there’s always some excuse. Aside from little Instagram clips, I have never created a video in my life. I had to download the software as I wrote this letter to you. A dull interest has been buzzing for years as I watch others and feel inspired and then talk myself down and softly tell the desire to go away. I know I won’t be good at it, and I know it will feel uncomfortable and incredibly tender and raw and scaring and embarrassing. I am guaranteed to publicly fail. But who am I, if I constantly ask others to do the big scary thing and then I don’t do the big scary thing myself? My brother told me he believed in me, so I’m going to believe in myself too.

You can take a look into my raw little project here.
I hope my vulnerability inspires someone else to dive into a desire they’ve been pushing down too.

** I have a few openings for new clients in my virtual psychotherapy practice, including EMDR therapy! You can find out more here and schedule a free consult here. **

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⋰ email: grace@cadywest.com